What is birth like?

Birth is different for everyone. And each labor is usually different for the same mom. Women use many different words to describe the feelings and sensations of birth. I think the best way to describe it is intense. Giving birth to another human being, having a person pass through you and out into the world is probably the most intense experience I can imagine. It is intense physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It takes strength you didn't know you had. It takes determination, faith, and trust in yourself, your body, and your baby. In spite of the level of intensity, it does not have to be painful. Many women describe pleasure, even ecstasy during their births, while others describe a lot of pressure.

One of the most important things to remember about birth is that it is a journey, and only you and your baby can make that journey. No one else, no machine, no doctor, no doula can make it for you. Your team is there to support you throughout, but it is yours. You will have to go deep inside yourself and make that journey through each twist and turn of labor. You and your baby will need to work together, reassuring each other, talking to each other..connected. You will have to face the intensity of physical, emotional, and spiritual sensation of each moment. When you anticipate and realize the normalcy of the intensity, you will be able to let go of any fear you may be holding about birth. It is normal. Just as your body knows how to breathe, it knows also how to birth.

One of the tools I love for labor preparation and use during labor is the Birthing from Within LabOrinth. Take a moment and go read the article about it. It describes perfectly the journey of birth. Labor is not a delineated process as medical texts describe, and women don't experience it as neat and tidy as "1st, 2nd, and 3rd stage". It is a winding road, and a path that once you begin you must finish. At the end of the path is your precious baby and the completion of the journey.

Every woman must figure out how to best complete her birthing journey, and that starts in pre-conception and pregnancy as you choose your doctor, your birthing place, your birthing team (doula, friend, midwife, etc), your childbirth preparation class, and most importantly the mindfulness of yourself, your body, and your baby. Every bit of preparation sets the stage for the beautiful day when you pass from the world of a woman to that of a mother.

It's Yours

I drank too much coffee today and now I am unable to sleep and thinking about...empowered birth. One thing that I believe is not talked about enough in the birth community is the parent's responsibility in their birth experience. And I get why it's not talked about... it could easily be taken the wrong way by mommies who had a bad experience. That is the furthest thing from my mind and intentions with this post. I never, ever want moms to feel guilty and blame themselves for a bad birth experience. 

That being said, responsibility is a HUGE part of an empowered birth. I think as women, especially in America, we are raised to blindly trust doctors and not question them. Unfortunately, this trust is not always warranted. Not to say that there aren't fabulous, amazing doctors out there. There are. And not to say that this lack of trustworthiness is always the doctor's fault, it's not. Some of it is a product of the bureaucratic system in which our medical system operates. There are so many lawsuits, with protocols to follow along after them to prevent more lawsuits. There are insurance companies that force doctors to play by their rules, or else. In general, it is a system which needs a lot of fixing.

Which is why women have to be more vigilant than ever when it comes to their pregnancies, births, and babies. Mamas, your body belongs to YOU. Your baby belongs to YOU. Your birth belongs to YOU. Not your doctor, not the nurses on call when you go into labor, not your doula or your friend or your sister. YOU. You (along with your partner) are the ONLY one(s) qualified to make decisions for yourself and your baby. You are the only one who should be making the choices in childbirth that you will remember forever. Yes, your doctor may be more educated in matters of the uterus and what to do in true medical emergencies. But that does not mean that you have to be uneducated. In fact, I have heard of moms who knew more about birth matters than their doctor! (One friend had to educate her doctor about delayed cord clamping... he had never heard of it before!)

Research. Research. Research some more. Don't take your friend's word for it that birth is awful and you are crazy to go without an epidural. Don't take your doctor's word for it that you HAVE to be induced at 41 weeks for the simple reason that you are 41 weeks. Or that because you had a cesarean before, you have to have one again. Don't take the mainstream's opinion blindly that your baby has to have every vaccine on the vaccine schedule at the exact time recommended. Research! Figure out what is right for YOU! No one else is going to take responsibility for you and your baby... only you get that great honor!

(source)

**Choosing a team (care provider, hospital, doula) to collaborate with to create the experience you want is up to you.
**Making a plan to outline your wishes to the best of your ability is up to you.
**Educating yourself on options and what is best for you and your baby is up to you.
**Standing up for those choices and refusing to be part of the "protocol system" is...you guessed it, up to you!

The doctor won't do it. The nurses won't do it. (Generally). They have their duties and responsibilities and advocating for your ideal birth isn't typically one of them. (All of the nurses I have worked with as a doula have been wonderful to my clients! I am not demonizing medical staff here... just trying to illustrate the point that they need to do their jobs, which include charting, monitoring, and reporting to the doctor. Their job doesn't necessarily include cheering you on... or trying to help remind you that you did not want an epidural... or encouraging you to get in the shower... or trying acupressure).

Mamas, be EMPOWERED. You have choices! Don't wait for "permission" to birth how you choose.. don't even think of it as someone "letting" you take a shower or walk around or decline an IV/epidural/amniotomy or whatever it may be. It is your right! I'll say it again.. You have the right to give birth how you want! Your birth belongs to you and no one else. Take that great responsibility into your hands and OWN it.

Sidebar - Sometimes I Feel Bad

I love to read. I love information and sharing and teaching. I especially love it when it comes to my job as a doula. The physiology and psychology of pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period fascinate me, and I love to pass along that knowledge to new and expectant mommies.

I am also a big believer in informed consent. Big. Huge. (name that movie). I believe that most mamas and daddies in this day and age don't get all the info from their care providers when it comes to the interventions of birth. I have heard many an anesthesiologist give the "informed consent" speech for an epidural but leave out everything but the most basic medical info. While the mother is writhing in pain and probably not hearing a word, natch. Is this informed consent? No.

In order to have true informed consent, parents must do their homework ahead of time. They must know all about birth interventions BEFORE hand, so that they can create a birth plan and do their best to stick to it once they enter the birthing zone. Occasionally this is not possible. Most of the time it is. Being informed gives you power. Being uninformed takes that power away.

So yes, I love to share what I learn. I share it in prenatals, emails, via this blog, and via facebook. I share a crazy amount of articles on facebook every month, for this very purpose. Not to bore people, or annoy people, but to inform them, because this is my PASSION.

Still, sometimes I feel bad. I love all my clients so much, and there have been a few times when births did not go according to plan, and interventions were had. Not because it was the mamas fault, but because it just happened. And I feel bad because here I am sharing all this wonderful, important, powerful information, and always in the back of my mind is a little voice that says "I hope this doesn't make so and so feel bad." "I hope whosywhats doesn't read this and feel like a failure." etc.

Take World Breastfeeding Week for example. Do I love breastfeeding? Yes. Am I passionate about it? Yes. Do I want to shout it's benefits and all my support from the rooftops? Yes. Do I know people who didn't breastfeed and feel bad about it? Yes. Do I want to make them feel bad by all this talk about how great it is and how good for the baby and the mama and on and on and on. NO. There is NO CONDEMNATION in my words or my heart. It breaks my heart that any mama would feel like a failure or look back at something she CAN'T CHANGE now and feel bad about it. That is the LAST effect I want my information to have.

However, I can't stop teaching, and I have hope that not only is the information helpful to mamas ahead of time, but also that maybe it will help some mamas the next time around.

Much Love,
Elyse

New Mama Myths

I found this great handout on Penny Simkin's site and wanted to share it with all of you! Would you agree with these myths?

NEW MAMA MYTHS

By Timara Freeman-Young

Myth

Mothers fall in love with their babies upon first sight.

Truth

There is a wide range of reactions that mothers have upon meeting their baby on the outside for the first time. Some birth mothers have a rush of warmth and elation. However, surprise is the feeling most commonly reported by mothers upon seeing their child for the first time. It is not unusual for it to take days or weeks for a mother to feel love for her new child.

Myth

Breastfeeding is easy and painless

Truth

While some new mother/baby pairs have early and easy success with nursing, a great number of them require some support and/or skill building before breastfeeding becomes secondhand. It’s normal and expected to need some lactation consultation so set yourself up for success by knowing who you’re going to call ahead of time. Also, in the interest of full disclosure, breastfeeding can be painful in the beginning (though the pain DOES go away within days or weeks). Most women report a deep enjoyment of the act of breastfeeding once they and their babies have adjusted to the new skills.

Myth

Babies sleep

Truth

Some babies do, most don’t. Hence the 3 zillion “how to get your baby to sleep” parenting books. It would probably make more sense for someone to write a “how to survive without much sleep for the first year” book since that is the more likely scenario for most new parents. If your baby wakes up after every 40 minute sleep cycle or has confused day and night, know that you are in the norm. There are many great books to read written by authors with diverse parenting values so you’ll likely find one that works for you and yours. But remember that babies have very different sleep patterns from adults and that any behavior change takes time and patience (including with oneself).

Myth

It’s lazy to lie around after the birth. “I should be doing something.”

Truth

First, a reminder, you ARE doing something. In fact, you’re doing a lot of things. Most of them new and all of them in a somewhat altered state. Congratulations!

Some new mothers are compelled to return to their “normal” routine or to get out in the world soon after their baby is born. Others are content to snuggle in bed with baby for days. If it feels healthy and good for mommy and baby to get out of the house then by all means, get some fresh air. Kick your heels up (with doctor/midwife approval, of course)! But remember that, in the grand scheme of things, you are doing a huge amount by caring for your infant and yourself as you go through this gigantic adjustment period. If you want (and are able) to stay in bed for 3 weeks then dig in and catch as many zzzzs as you can.

Myth

Parents (especially mothers) will instinctively know how to parent

Truth

While the act of becoming a parent may seem sudden (especially for partners who don’t have the physiological 9.5 month transition period), it can take months or years to discover who you are as a parent. Some new parents move into parenting quickly and seamlessly while others do so more gradually. Faced with decision upon decision, new parents may find themselves reflecting on their own parents’ choices and decisions, looking to friends and family, or searching through books for insights on how to best parent their child. Many parents (especially the primary caregiver) benefit from a close community of other mothers and caregivers to gain support, ideas, and companionship during this time, either in the form of family, friend groups, or programs structured for new parents. Even if you’re a do-it-yourself kind of gal, now’s the time to find some other DIYers to sort it out with.

Myth

Parents will be in a state of bliss and have only fond feelings for their new child

Truth

Being a parent, especially if you haven’t done it before, can be really frustrating at times.  While some new parents feel like having a newborn is joyful and fun, it is perfectly normal to feel frustration, sadness, jealousy, and/or anger about your new situation or this new member of your family. 10-20% of mothers experience postpartum depression and a number of fathers struggle emotionally with the adjustment to parenthood. If you’re feeling blessed as a new parent, then celebrate your good fortune, if you’re feeling not so blessed, know that your day will come and remember to be kind to yourself and ask for help.

Bottom line, mamas, whatever you are feeling is OK. Motherhood is a huge adjustment and takes time, love, and patience with yourself, your baby, and your partner. Don't forget it is essential to ask for help and get support during this important transition.