It's Yours

I drank too much coffee today and now I am unable to sleep and thinking about...empowered birth. One thing that I believe is not talked about enough in the birth community is the parent's responsibility in their birth experience. And I get why it's not talked about... it could easily be taken the wrong way by mommies who had a bad experience. That is the furthest thing from my mind and intentions with this post. I never, ever want moms to feel guilty and blame themselves for a bad birth experience. 

That being said, responsibility is a HUGE part of an empowered birth. I think as women, especially in America, we are raised to blindly trust doctors and not question them. Unfortunately, this trust is not always warranted. Not to say that there aren't fabulous, amazing doctors out there. There are. And not to say that this lack of trustworthiness is always the doctor's fault, it's not. Some of it is a product of the bureaucratic system in which our medical system operates. There are so many lawsuits, with protocols to follow along after them to prevent more lawsuits. There are insurance companies that force doctors to play by their rules, or else. In general, it is a system which needs a lot of fixing.

Which is why women have to be more vigilant than ever when it comes to their pregnancies, births, and babies. Mamas, your body belongs to YOU. Your baby belongs to YOU. Your birth belongs to YOU. Not your doctor, not the nurses on call when you go into labor, not your doula or your friend or your sister. YOU. You (along with your partner) are the ONLY one(s) qualified to make decisions for yourself and your baby. You are the only one who should be making the choices in childbirth that you will remember forever. Yes, your doctor may be more educated in matters of the uterus and what to do in true medical emergencies. But that does not mean that you have to be uneducated. In fact, I have heard of moms who knew more about birth matters than their doctor! (One friend had to educate her doctor about delayed cord clamping... he had never heard of it before!)

Research. Research. Research some more. Don't take your friend's word for it that birth is awful and you are crazy to go without an epidural. Don't take your doctor's word for it that you HAVE to be induced at 41 weeks for the simple reason that you are 41 weeks. Or that because you had a cesarean before, you have to have one again. Don't take the mainstream's opinion blindly that your baby has to have every vaccine on the vaccine schedule at the exact time recommended. Research! Figure out what is right for YOU! No one else is going to take responsibility for you and your baby... only you get that great honor!

(source)

**Choosing a team (care provider, hospital, doula) to collaborate with to create the experience you want is up to you.
**Making a plan to outline your wishes to the best of your ability is up to you.
**Educating yourself on options and what is best for you and your baby is up to you.
**Standing up for those choices and refusing to be part of the "protocol system" is...you guessed it, up to you!

The doctor won't do it. The nurses won't do it. (Generally). They have their duties and responsibilities and advocating for your ideal birth isn't typically one of them. (All of the nurses I have worked with as a doula have been wonderful to my clients! I am not demonizing medical staff here... just trying to illustrate the point that they need to do their jobs, which include charting, monitoring, and reporting to the doctor. Their job doesn't necessarily include cheering you on... or trying to help remind you that you did not want an epidural... or encouraging you to get in the shower... or trying acupressure).

Mamas, be EMPOWERED. You have choices! Don't wait for "permission" to birth how you choose.. don't even think of it as someone "letting" you take a shower or walk around or decline an IV/epidural/amniotomy or whatever it may be. It is your right! I'll say it again.. You have the right to give birth how you want! Your birth belongs to you and no one else. Take that great responsibility into your hands and OWN it.

Sidebar - Sometimes I Feel Bad

I love to read. I love information and sharing and teaching. I especially love it when it comes to my job as a doula. The physiology and psychology of pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period fascinate me, and I love to pass along that knowledge to new and expectant mommies.

I am also a big believer in informed consent. Big. Huge. (name that movie). I believe that most mamas and daddies in this day and age don't get all the info from their care providers when it comes to the interventions of birth. I have heard many an anesthesiologist give the "informed consent" speech for an epidural but leave out everything but the most basic medical info. While the mother is writhing in pain and probably not hearing a word, natch. Is this informed consent? No.

In order to have true informed consent, parents must do their homework ahead of time. They must know all about birth interventions BEFORE hand, so that they can create a birth plan and do their best to stick to it once they enter the birthing zone. Occasionally this is not possible. Most of the time it is. Being informed gives you power. Being uninformed takes that power away.

So yes, I love to share what I learn. I share it in prenatals, emails, via this blog, and via facebook. I share a crazy amount of articles on facebook every month, for this very purpose. Not to bore people, or annoy people, but to inform them, because this is my PASSION.

Still, sometimes I feel bad. I love all my clients so much, and there have been a few times when births did not go according to plan, and interventions were had. Not because it was the mamas fault, but because it just happened. And I feel bad because here I am sharing all this wonderful, important, powerful information, and always in the back of my mind is a little voice that says "I hope this doesn't make so and so feel bad." "I hope whosywhats doesn't read this and feel like a failure." etc.

Take World Breastfeeding Week for example. Do I love breastfeeding? Yes. Am I passionate about it? Yes. Do I want to shout it's benefits and all my support from the rooftops? Yes. Do I know people who didn't breastfeed and feel bad about it? Yes. Do I want to make them feel bad by all this talk about how great it is and how good for the baby and the mama and on and on and on. NO. There is NO CONDEMNATION in my words or my heart. It breaks my heart that any mama would feel like a failure or look back at something she CAN'T CHANGE now and feel bad about it. That is the LAST effect I want my information to have.

However, I can't stop teaching, and I have hope that not only is the information helpful to mamas ahead of time, but also that maybe it will help some mamas the next time around.

Much Love,
Elyse

On Parenthood

I saw this poem on Girl's Gone Child blog (which I love!) and had to share it here. It is from Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet".

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and he bends you with his might

that his arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies,

so he loves also the bow that is stable.

LOVE.